Where to find me online

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Do you feel loved?


I'm am not really sure exactly how, step by step, my thinking evolved. But from the time I was 19 until about 30 I often felt totally abandoned by God. I was a disciplined disciple doing the things they told me would work. I read my bible from cover to cover several times each year. I had a few different translations on tape and was often listening to those tapes whenever I was alone. I even read the Greek New Testament through every year at least once. I attended the Change The World School of Prayer and learned how to pray for an hour or more every day. I would even practice getting out of bed several times in a row and begin praying so that whenever I got out of bed my first thought would be to pray. I read through all the church fathers whose works were available in English and read many early church documents written in Greek.

But the roller coaster never ended. And to be honest, the issues and personal problems were not making any progress. I finally gave it all up and concluded that there were 2 huge differences between me and many others who were not on that same roller coaster. 1) Many of them were not recovering from the debilitating emotional abuse I was seeking to recover from, and 2) God does not really work that way, even for those who claim He does - when I would ask them specific questions, their stories were just too full of holes for me to buy into anymore.

That was when I realized that the only iron clad promise I had from God was that he lived inside of me in deep mystical union with a non-verbal joy and love for me - all I got from Him was His loving presence. Nothing else was needed or promised. I came to realize that I was looking for confirmation of His love in what I imagined He did or how I imagined He was orchestrating my circumstances. However, When I began to simply abide in His presence living loved, the roller coaster ride ended.

To experience the indescribable sense of the indwelling Christ fully in love with you and full of joy at our union is to know of a love that cannot be talked about. Come to the embrace and know it for yourself, is all I can say

"I can do all things through Christ" was a phrase that changed in its meaning. I no longer ask God to do anything for me or to change my situation, I simply get up and do it myself if possible.

2 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this. This is so similar to my story, and it was really helpful to see it boiled down to a few paragraphs!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Do I know that I'm loved? Yes. Do I feel loved? No.

    ReplyDelete